too much thinking

I have lost all desire and it appears ability to write anything that requires a word processor. To use what may be the most used cliché in blogging: I have all of these ideas until I sit down in front of the computer. So instead of starting and finishing the process with the computer, it shall be the end point of the process. The start point will be a new notebook – exercise book. One of many, a countless, immeasurable legion of notebooks – exercise books that have been bought over the years and then only used for a few pages before being discarded. In 10 years only one notebook – exercise book (because they are always cheap with increasingly flimsy cardboard covers) has ever been finished and that wasn’t filled with anything but drug induced pseudo-intellectual maxims, alienation and ideas that relied just as much on their layout as the words that they were made up of. Perhaps filling an exercise book with solid text is a task that is beyond me?

Since sometime late Friday night or maybe early Saturday morning I have thought about nothing but boredom and regret. Life has progressed on autopilot, activities have been completed but there has been no real conscious thought because in the back of my mind turning over are ideas about boredom and regret. It has meant that life has had an unreal and detached quality to it. It is frustrating because despite all of this thinking I am no closer to an answer nor even sure than an answer exists. I would like one even if it is just to keep it to myself – for sharing the answer with the person who started this thinking may be interpreted as weird, creepy or just plain misunderstood. But also because the of the very real chance that the answer whatever it may be would be unsatisfactory.

This is the best I can do right now.

the end of the world

A phrase that I think a lot is “one day the world will end”. What this means to me I am not exactly sure. Nor am I sure why I use it to fill silence inside of my head.

I have the idea that, while climate change is a real phenomenon, that a vocal minority in the climate change movement would not be out of place in movements that are welcoming of or actively trying to bring about the Biblical end times. That they belong to the group of people who almost have a need for the world to end.

I can not bring myself to believe that the world will end one day. It probably will when the sun explodes as all stars do, but I don’t think society is going to break down and I am going to have to murder people in order to stay alive or sleep in abandoned overgrown houses. I think there is a realistic chance that I will end up living in a fascist corporatocracy, but I can act normal enough and am good enough at keeping my opinions to myself that I shouldn’t have to worry about a show trial and execution or worse being sent to a concentration camp. For a long time being sent to a concentration camp was a fear that terrified me so much that I did not even dare verbalise it, in fear that by doing so I would bring about its actualisation.

I think the need that some people have for the world to end is their way of dealing with their own mortality and a refusal to accept fully that one day, they will die. This refusal whether built on fear or vanity has taken their death and turned it into something epic: the destruction of an entire planet.

The world ends for us all one day, just not with a bang but with a whimper.